Understanding Attachment Styles: Diving Deep into Disorganized Attachment
Let’s talk about something that plays a huge role in how we connect with others—attachment styles. You may have heard about the different types: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized. Each style reflects how we relate to others, especially in close relationships, and these patterns often stem from our early experiences with caregivers.
I want to focus on disorganized attachment—one of the more complex and challenging attachment styles. We’ll also explore how it overlaps and differs from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a condition that often shares some similar traits. Understanding these nuances can shed light on why disorganized attachment can feel so overwhelming and how healing is possible.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Before we dive into disorganized attachment specifically, let’s quickly recap what attachment theory is all about.
Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby, suggests that our early relationships with caregivers shape how we connect with others later in life. Based on the consistency, safety, and emotional availability of our caregivers, we develop an attachment style that guides how we perceive intimacy, trust, and conflict in relationships.
The four primary attachment styles are:
Secure – Confident in the availability of others, comfortable with intimacy, and able to manage conflict healthily. Stable sense of self with or without a romantic partner.
Anxious – Preoccupied with fears of abandonment, seeking reassurance, and feeling insecure in relationships. Unstable sense of self when not with a romantic partner.
Avoidant – Preferring emotional distance, feeling uncomfortable with closeness, and often avoiding emotional intimacy. Unstable sense of self when in relationship with a romantic partner.
Disorganized – A confusing mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors, often characterized by a fear of connection yet an intense need for it. Potential for instability of sense of self when with a romantic partner and without a romantic partner.
Disorganized Attachment: The Push and Pull of Connection
Disorganized attachment is unique in that it combines elements of both anxious and avoidant attachment. People with disorganized attachment often have an intense longing for connection but simultaneously fear it. It's like craving something that terrifies you to your core. This internal conflict creates confusion in relationships, as the person may alternate between pushing people away while desperately seeking their closeness.
This attachment style usually forms in response to early childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. When caregivers are both a source of comfort and a source of fear, the child learns that relationships are unpredictable and unsafe. They may feel a deep need for love but also believe that love is dangerous or unreliable, leading to a “push-pull” dynamic in adult relationships.
Key Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment:
Fear of Abandonment Paired with Fear of Closeness: People with disorganized attachment often experience a paradoxical fear—they crave connection but are terrified of it at the same time. This leads to emotional volatility and unpredictable behavior in relationships.
Difficulty Regulating Emotions: Emotional dysregulation is a hallmark of disorganized attachment. Small triggers can lead to intense emotional reactions, and people with this attachment style may struggle to soothe themselves when they’re upset.
Trust Issues: Because their early caregivers were inconsistent or harmful, individuals with disorganized attachment often find it difficult to trust others. They may expect betrayal or rejection even in safe, loving relationships. Given that they have been conditioned to expect that swing, this is fairly typical of someone with a disorganized attachment style.
Unstable Relationship Patterns: Disorganized attachment can lead to erratic relationship behaviors—alternating between clinginess and emotional withdrawal, sabotaging relationships out of fear, or feeling constantly on edge in intimacy.
Disorganized Attachment and BPD: Similarities and Differences
When discussing disorganized attachment, it’s natural to bring up Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), as there’s a lot of overlap between the two. Attachment Theory vs Clinical Personality Disorder Diagnosis are two very different schools of thought. Both involve difficulties with emotional regulation, fears of abandonment, and unstable relationships. But while they share similarities, it’s important to understand the differences.
Similarities:
Emotional Instability: Both disorganized attachment and BPD involve intense emotional swings, from deep despair to anger to anxiety, often in reaction to relationship dynamics.
Fear of Abandonment: Both individuals with disorganized attachment and those with BPD are highly sensitive to the possibility of rejection or abandonment, sometimes leading to desperate efforts to avoid it.
Relationship Instability: Erratic relationship patterns are common in both cases, with individuals often experiencing turbulent, on-again-off-again relationships.
Differences:
Root Cause: Disorganized attachment typically stems from early attachment trauma, whereas BPD has a more complex set of contributing factors, including both biological and environmental influences. Not everyone with disorganized attachment will develop BPD, though the two often go hand in hand.
Chronic Patterns vs. Specific Diagnosis: Disorganized attachment refers specifically to a pattern of relating that develops early in life, while BPD is a formal diagnosis with a broader set of criteria. BPD includes symptoms beyond attachment struggles, such as chronic feelings of emptiness, impulsivity, and intense fear of being abandoned.
Self-Image: People with BPD often struggle with a fragile sense of self, experiencing identity confusion or chronic feelings of worthlessness. While individuals with disorganized attachment may also struggle with self-worth, this aspect isn’t as central to the attachment style as it is in BPD.
Healing from Disorganized Attachment
Healing from disorganized attachment is possible, but it takes time, self-awareness, and support. The good news is that our attachment style is not fixed—we can move toward healthier, more secure ways of relating to others through therapy, mindfulness, and relational work.
Here are a few key steps in healing from disorganized attachment:
Therapy: Working with a therapist, especially one trained in attachment theory, trauma, or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), can help you explore the roots of your attachment patterns. Therapy can provide a safe space to process early experiences and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Building Trust in Relationships: Healing disorganized attachment often involves learning to trust others again. This might mean starting with small, safe relationships and gradually expanding your capacity for vulnerability. Learning that not all relationships are chaotic or harmful can be a powerful step toward healing.
Emotional Regulation Skills: Since emotional dysregulation is such a big part of disorganized attachment, learning tools to manage emotions is essential. This might involve mindfulness practices, grounding techniques, or DBT skills to help you stay balanced during intense emotions.
Self-Compassion: Healing requires patience and kindness toward yourself. Recognize that your attachment style formed in response to painful early experiences, and that it’s not your fault. You can work through it, but it takes time.
Can Disorganized Attachment Become More Secure?
Yes, absolutely. While disorganized attachment might feel deeply ingrained, it can change. Through therapy, supportive relationships, and self-work, people with disorganized attachment can move toward a more secure attachment style.
One of the most important pieces of this journey is creating and maintaining healthy, stable relationships where trust is built slowly over time. As you develop relationships that are safe, consistent, and respectful, you’ll start to unlearn some of the survival patterns that served you in the past but no longer serve you now.
It’s also helpful to remind yourself that healing isn’t linear. You might make great progress and then feel like you’re slipping back into old patterns. That’s okay. The goal is progress, not perfection.
Final Thoughts
Disorganized attachment can make relationships feel like a confusing battlefield, but understanding where these patterns come from is the first step toward healing. Whether you see yourself in these traits or recognize them in someone you love, it’s important to know that disorganized attachment is not a life sentence. With the right support, it’s possible to move toward healthier, more secure relationships.
Take care, and know that healing is always possible, even when it feels like a long road.
Warmly,
Bri Larson, RPC, CCATP, CCTP II
Clinical Counsellor
The Core Centre of Health
Kelowna, BC
